As much as we talk about sex, we most often talk about the genitals: how to stimulate the clitoris, the sensitive spots on a man’s penis, where the g spot is or what sex positions to try so that your genitals and your partner’s genitals fit together in delicious and maybe even orgasmic ways.
That’s all well and good (and often important) but the rest of our bodies deserve attention too. For our next 4-part series we’ll be focusing on four overly neglected spots on women’s and men’s bodies and what you can do to change that and have better sex.
The back is one of our most neglected spots period, let alone during sex. We tend to carry the weight of the world on our backs â€“ sometimes quite literally, when we haul overstuffed backpacks across campus or through airports or oversized bags slung over one shoulder. Our backs hold stress and tension and it shows.
One benefit to sex is that it can help two people to feel more calm and relaxed. But it’s hard to feel relaxed and reap the benefits from sex if you’re overwrought with stress or anxiety and carrying it in your neck, shoulders or back.
Pay more attention to each other’s backs by:
- Having sex in the shower. Let the warm, pulsating shower head massage your backs as you start by kissing and caressing. Whether or not you do the actual deed in the shower, or step out and do it on dry land, your back will thank you aiming such wonderful warm water on your oh-so-tired muscles. Bonus points if you wash each others’ backs, stroking out the day’s stress.
- Bathing together. Light a few candles that are scented with fragrances that relax you. Personally, I’m a fan of vanilla but others like eucalyptus, ocean breeze scents or fruit scents. Choose a scent that helps to dissipate your worries. A bath oil will help to give the water a more sensuous feel to it which is perfect for massaging each others’ backs.
- Using massage as foreplay. Have your partner turn over before you start getting too hot and heavy. Start with his or her neck and shoulders then work your way down the spine, on the arms, hands, and return to the back. Use a massage book for tips or ask for feedback or listen to your partner’s oohs and aahs to guide you. Make sure you get a turn, too, and then slip into sex when you’re both feeling relaxed and ready.
- Writing a message to your lover on his or her back. If you’re not into the idea of an all-out massage, get naked and have your partner lay face down or sit up and facing away from you so that you have full access to their back. Play the childhood game of writing messages on their back. The touch and moments of silence may help to relax you both.
- Stretching it out, doggie-style. When you’re on all fours, use the opportunity to stretch your back. You can arch and then curve it the opposite way (as in yoga) or stretch all the way back on your haunches to stretch just before you start or right after. Your back will thank you (and your g spot might, too).
- Stroking your partner’s back during sex. During missionary, reach around and stroke his back. Not only can touch help partners to feel connected (so it’s not too genital or orgasm focused) but touching your partner specifically on his back may serve as a mini-massage. Do try to do it nonchalantly, though. This isn’t a time to whip out the massage oil.
- Engaging in post-sex cuddling and rubbing. When you’re basking in the post-orgasmic or post-sex glow, don’t be afraid to keep touching and kissing and rubbing each other’s neck or back. Some people stay in bed for ages after they have sex â€“ why not make your time together count?
If you have back problems that cause you severe discomfort or pain, please check in with a healthcare provider or a physical therapist to learn more about sex positions that will be safe for you. Otherwise, enjoy all that sex has to offer and involve all your body parts, not just your genitals, in the pleasures of sex.
[Originally published in my weekly column at CheekyChicago.com]