Liking Sex Doesn’t Make You a Slut

That’s right ladies, you read me correctly: You can still be crazy about sex and have a good reputation.

I know this may seem like a huge shocker—but after reading Chris Jones’ latest piece in Esquire (titled, Ladies: You’re Not as Good as You Think), I feel so much more enlightened on how to be good in bed—I feel as if I could teach a college course on it.

So to share my newfound knowledge on what makes women the ultimate hook-up , let me give you the breakdown on the top five lessons I learned from CJ.

Lesson One: Stop being the “human equivalent of the space between the couch cushions”. Women who are unenthusiastic, uncomfortable, and uncommunicative seriously make the worst lovers. Not only is it insulting to a man when you’re not moaning in ecstasy like a porn star, it just makes you look boring in bed (and come on, who wants that?!).

Lesson Two: Stop acting as if you’re a “sexual Olympian” between the sheets. I know I just said in the above lesson to stop feeling uncomfortable with your body, but don’t make the mistake of being overly comfortable. As Jones writes in his article, most women act “as though they’re doing the men in their lives the greatest of favors merely by presenting themselves like a downed deer strapped to the hood of a car.” So make a mental note next time before doing the dirty: Don’t be boring, but don’t be too confident with your skills—otherwise you’ll come off as easy, arrogant, and vain.

Lesson Three: Stop being bashful about oral sex. Jones politely reassures the female population that “most vaginas don’t smell like a fresh bag of Funyuns” (what a relief!!!!)—so next time your man tries to take his mouth south of the border, be grateful and enthusiastic. And even if you’re not in the mood—pretend you are. No woman wants to be unenthusiastic, remember? (And if you already forgot what on earth I am talking about, go back and reread lesson one.)

Lesson Four: Embrace His Semen. Jones says it best: It’s nice when we don’t treat theirsemen like it’s battery acid.” So next time you’re giving him oral, plan ahead. If you’re not in the mood to swallow it then, make sure there’s a glass or some form of Tupperware next to the bed so you can save it for later.

Lesson Five: If our sex lives are bad, it’s probably our fault. I mean, how could it not be our fault, right? Half the time we’re too boring in bed, the other half we’re way too eager, and somewhere in between we’re spitting semen all over the place like we’re experiencing an allergic reaction. So how can we fix this dilemma? Although there is clearly no quick fix for our lack of talent, Jones does have one recommendation: “Like, maybe grab a mirror and spend some time learning how your own body works.” Ha, why on earth didn’t we think of that?

But putting all satire aside, if you haven’t read his article (which lets hope you have by now, otherwise this piece may make no sense to you whatsoever), you should check it out. His 370-word rant on his dissatisfaction with sex, women, and his own sexual performance has caused quite a stir among the Internet.

I first caught wind of it on The Huffington Post earlier this week, and since then I’ve seen write-ups on numerous different sites. (One of my favorites has to be John Cook’s reaction titled, Esquire Writer to Wife: Please Start Fucking Better.)

Now interestingly enough, I’ve read Jones’ work before and there’s no doubt that he’s a talented journalist. But I just can’t seem to find the humor in this.

Obviously everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I get that he works for a men’s magazine (hello, so do I). But “sex” issue or not—the last time I checked, rampant, misogynistic ramblings are not all that funny.

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About Madeline Haller

Madeline Haller

Madeline Haller is an Assistant Editor for MensHealth.com. Haller received her bachelor's degree in journalism from Indiana University, with a second concentration in gender studies. When she's not writing for MSP/MH, you can find her running, enjoying a cup of coffee, or searching for the perfect shade of red lipstick.

  • IAmMe

    A tupperware full your man’s semen saved for later.  That is hot.  HA HA.