Why Dominance Is Hot: The Men Speak Out!

As all you avid MSP readers and followers know, I recently wrote about dominance in sexual encounters. I got lots of great feedback, but realized that most of the contributors were female. So, I headed back to square one of research, but this time asked for a male perspective. It took the guys a little bit longer to come out of the woodwork and actually talk to me, but once I got them talking, I was amazed with the quality and complexity of their responses. The guys pretty much covered the same bases as the girls, with a few outliers.

Photo courtesy of istockphoto.com

As with the ladies’ responses, a lot of guys talked about a sense of power. “Knowing that your every move affects what they feel and shows them your strength is just an extra turn-on,” wrote one guy. Another commented that the sense of power that they feel in this type of situation is very unique, since your partner is “giving you all the power, which never happens at any other point in a relationship”. Another talked about the sense of dominance as a power-play. “Sometimes I like the game of who wants to dominate whom the most. At first I like to take the girl…make her want to be more passionate than I am. Then it is up to her to make the next move.”

A lot of the guys’ responses mentioned the same sort of primal urge that the women mentioned. “What I think I like about it is just pure emotion and chemistry, you can be aggressive without being violent. It just all seems so primitive and natural like it’s supposed to be happening.” Another guy wrote, “It’s like that, ‘I want you right now this second, lets just do it right now’. In the kitchen, shower, outside, whatever…it’s doing it right when you want to.”

The one major difference between the ladies and gents was a sort of discomfort with dominance. Many of the women expressed their desires to be both submissive and dominant, and they seemed fairly comfortable with taking those roles. Some of the men, however, expressed a fear of taking the dominance too far. “Considering that harming a girl is against my morals, I don’t see myself “pinning” her against a wall, even if I get caught up in the moment,” one guy wrote. Another described a past dominant sexual experience as a negative one. When a sexual partner asked him to hit her across the face to increase her arousal, he was “originally uncomfortable, (but) we talked about it, and I asked if I was playing into some hurtful part of her past…and she said no, so I went for it…It was fun and all, but the only pleasure I could take from it was knowing it was what my partner truly wanted…I don’t think I’d be comortable doing it again.” The same guy later wrote that “love, anger, and pain all manifest themselves physically in bed,” but that he hopes to never be in a one-sided relationship based on “one person always having the upper hand over, or dominating the other”.

One guy took the time to explain the physical and emotional complication that can come with dominance/submission. “As a guy, to be dominated is a sign of weakness…(and) vulnerability, and for me, it means I really trust you to let you dominate me. The arousal for me is actually less about the physical aspects of control, or really lack thereof, and more about my ability to let go.” For men, who have traditionally been dominant in all sorts of social contexts, to essentially give up that power in the bedroom is an extremely powerful thing. To make yourself vulnerable in the most intimate sense can bring up a lot of emotions. The same guy wrote that “if somebody cares enough to dominate me and my body and yet still love that same body,” it becomes even more emotionally powerful.

I hope the guys helped give you all a varied perspective. I’d love to hear your feedback!

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About Michaela


Michaela is a recent Seven Sisters graduate with a self-designed degree in Sexuality Studies. When she's not blogging, you'll find her teaching Health and Wellness and A Cappella to high school students, helping women find properly fitting bras, and working as an editor on a documentary. She hopes to continue her education one day with a PhD in Feminist Anthropology.

  • Heather

    I’m in a new relationship and, having always considered myself more dominant, I’m suprised and interested in my new found love of being submissive with my new partner. These posts have shown great insight and these responses, in particular, rang true for me: “your partner is ‘giving you all the power, which never happens at any other point in a relationship’” and “‘…for me, it means I really trust you to let you dominate me. The arousal for me is actually less about the physical aspects of control, or really lack thereof, and more about my ability to let go.’” Thanks for sharing!

  • http://thesexualityblogger.wordpress.com Michaela

    Glad I could help, Heather!

  • anonymoose

    Feedback? Sure.

    I am a guy and I am always dominant is real life sex and fantasies. To borrow from the title of this book I never read, I am ‘The Loving Dominant’ type. I know that this is NOT to compensate for being submissive in other parts of my life.

    I have no interest in being submissive. I have seen some dungeon porn where the guy is pushing a woman to her limits and have enjoyed it. But, when I start to see a video of a woman with a riding crop telling a naked man to crawl like a doggy and beg, I move onto something different. That is just my preference and I understand / accept that all people are different.

    However, I do quite enjoy it when a woman is assertive enough to play the seductress and she knows that she owns my attention and my obsession.