Real Advice about Talking to Your Partner About Sex

Communication is vital in all relationships, not just romantic ones. However, how do we learn how to properly communicate, especially about sexuality? I never took a class on communication (let alone how to negotiate what I want and don’t want in the bedroom), and know that I have struggled before with communication – it’s one thing for me to talk about where to go to eat for dinner with friends, but what about saying that I’m really in the mood for something with my lover (or heck, even discussing a raise with my boss)?

An article I’ve been wanting to write about since March from Eden Cafe by Jade Twilight called “Talking To Your Vanilla Partner About You Want” really made sense to me. I’m not saying whether my partner is vanilla or not, but I think that there are aspects of this article that could help the most naughty – or innocent-ish – of couples out there.

Jade starts by suggesting that you ask yourself what you want. This is something I know many people, regardless of their gender and sexual orientation, struggle with. When I was younger, I based what I wanted (or more rather, what I thought I wanted) on what I read in magazines or heard from friends. I figured if it was something that worked for other people, it would work for me. However, on the occasion that what worked for my best friend didn’t totally send me into an orgasm akin to 4th of July fireworks, I started to wonder what could be wrong with me – because, if it worked for her, it must work for me… right? So, as Jade suggests, start by thinking about what you want. Do you want to be dominant? Do you want to role play? Do you really want to see your partner in a certain article of clothing?

Once you’ve figured out what you want, Jade suggests not just diving right in, but instead slowly just dipping the tips of your toes into talking about this with your partner. Specifically, Jade mentions “I would really like it you…” to begin talking about what you want with your partner. She explains, “if he/she can get comfortable with the mild stuff, for example: tying you or being tied to the bed. They might be receptive to going farther. Talk, offer up info, show them that being kinky isn’t a horrible thing, and normal everyday people do it.” Chances are, you’re not the first person to think of trying whatever it is you want to do. Also, if your partner isn’t interested, it is worthwhile to talk about it. Unless it’s a deal breaker, sometimes there are ways to work around it (in this article, Jeana talks about desire and where it comes from). If you’re not sure how to even start to talk about what you want, I think the checklists found in the book Sex is Fun!, the one mentioned here, and this site from Mojo Upgrade in which couples can even answer questions about what they want separately and then look at where they meet.

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About Holly Moyseenko

Holly Moyseenko is a sex educator living in Ohio. She is an advocate of positive and healthy sexuality. Holly currently works for a non-profit health organization as a health educator, and also teaches workshops that focus on many topics within the realm of healthy sexuality. In her spare time, she also is an advocate for survivors of sexual assault, gardens, reads anything within reach, drinks copious amounts of tea, and naps with her two dogs.