In previous weeks, I introduced Must#1 and Must#2 for Great Sex. Now for Must#3: Talk to each other!
Blah, blah, blah. I know, how many times have you heard about the importance of talking to your partner about sex? The thing is – it is completely true.
In one study, women who had difficulty having an orgasm were significantly more likely to be in a relationship in which they and their partners found it hard to communicate about certain types of sex. Can you guess which kind? Basically, types of sex that involved clitoral stimulation such as cunnilingus, hand stimulation of the clitoris or intercourse positions that focus on clitoral stimulation (more on those in a forthcoming post). Other research shows that communication is key not only to orgasm but also to pleasure, satisfaction and reducing relationship conflict. It’s an all-around picker-upper when it comes to sex.
I cannot tell you how many women and men I’ve heard from who simply do not talk to their partners about their feelings and preferences related to sex. How else will he know that you’re uncomfortable (or excited!) about his porn collection unless you tell him? Or that doggie style feels a little too close for comfort for your cervix, but missionary or side-saddle does it oh-so-beautifully? Or that the thing he or she does with their tongue is, how to say, positively divine? That’s right: we must talk with our partners.
Timing is everything. When it comes to sex talks, try to keep them out of the bedroom. Find a time when you’re both unlikely to be interrupted by roommates, neighbors, Gossip Girl or a Fantasy League draft and let your partner know that you’d like to have a sex chat. Start by praising the great things you love about your sex life, and when you feel comfortable, address one or two things you’d like to change. Be gentle about it – and not accusatory or blaming. Most people feel vulnerable or insecure about their sex lives, and it’s important to handle one’s sex partner with care. For tips, check out For Each Other: Sharing Sexual Intimacy by Dr. Lonnie Barbach.
[Originally published in my weekly column at CheekyChicago.com]
[Photo by indrasensi, via their Flickr photostream.]
