Using Sexual Fantasies To Increase Desire

photo of a woman in a bath tub

Sex therapists have long found that a lovely thing about sexual fantasies is that they can be used to increase desire. This is particularly valuable for women and men who feel as though they need a little extra oomph to get themselves to feel as sexually interested as they once did in their partner. Others have plenty of desire (and then some to spare) and simply enjoy sexual fantasies for the value they add to their real or imagined, and solitary or partnered, sex lives. Consider, for example, imagining in great detail what it would feel like to:

- Watch your partner draw a bath, light a few candles around the tub, invite you into the bathroom, then drop her clothes to the floor, slip into the bath and ask you to look but not touch. Or to sit on the side of the bath and bathe her with your hands or a soft towel. Or to drop your clothes to the floor and join her in the warm, soapy water where you sit and talk, wash each other, touch, kiss, and eventually make love (thanks to a little silicone based lube kept nearby).

- Come home from dinner, sit and talk on the sofa with your legs wrapped around each other like pretzels, kissing occasionally on the forehead, cheek or neck. Touching each other here and there on the chest or breasts. Wanting to touch your partner between their legs but holding back. And then finally, when you are both enormously erect and/or wet (whatever your gender combination may be), and you cannot stand being clothed anymore, you still wait just a little longer and then undress each other on the sofa and have passionate, lust-worthy sex, sofa-burn or rug burn be damned.

- Undress down to your underwear, stand by the bed kissing and holding each other, butterflies in your stomach, and then get under the covers and relish in the feeling of spooning, of pressing your bodies together, of them moving in ways that suggest they are communicating with each other (no matter what your mouths and voices say), as you try to hold off, to not have sex in spite of however warm, flushed or aroused you each may feel. Imagine what it feels like on your skin, and inside, to be this close to each other spiritually, bodily, and to wait just a little longer.

- Sit talking, laughing, drinking wine together. And then your partner touches you between your legs, rubs against your jeans perhaps. Or maybe your partner sits on your lap and kisses you for a long time, running their hands on your chest. After quite some time of this, they slip down to their knees, kissing you all the way downward, and then your partner asks to taste you, to lick you, even if just for a second. And then he or she slowly unzips your jeans.

Works wonders for desire and longing, doesn’t it? And if not, what does it for you? Consider what will influence your desire in ways that grab you or that keep you awake as you try to sleep at night. What images or story lines would influence your arousal in ways that feel good? The above fantasies are pretty vanilla and some may say are just the tip of the iceberg. See how you might use your own sexual fantasies to enhance your masturbation or to think about privately when you want to see if you can ready yourself for sex.

If you find yourself wanting to learn more about sexual fantasies, check out collections of erotic stories (Rachel Kramer Bussell and Violet Blue have good collections). Or check out my book, Because It Feels Good, for ideas about how to put sexual fantasies and erotica to work for your sex life.

Related MSP articles:
- Sexual fantasies aren’t always about sex
- How to have amazing hotel sex
- Foreplay tips to arouse her: women and sex

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.