This week I had a couple of key disappointments, one of which was learning the hard way (via a virus that knocked out my desktop) that a PC is a sad stand-in for a Mac. Sorry, but it’s true. Thank goodness for my macbook.
Speaking of sad stand-ins, earlier I wrote a post about why vibrating toothbrushes, razors, hairbrushes and mascara wands are sad substitutions for actual sex-specific vibrators. Especially when they run on watch batteries (like the mascara wand vibrator appears to) or when they have actual blades that could cut you if you got a little too excited during your sex play (a la vibrating razors). I mean, seriously? We live in a Jetsons world in which we can video chat with each other and play Scrabulous with friends in different countries (or we did until the FB crackdown). Why is anyone – and I do mean anyone - still putting a vibrating toothbrush anywhere near their genitals? At least use an iPhone, people. There’s a (vibrating) app for that.
But perhaps I was unfair. After all, some people aren’t just sticking their bristly toothbrush on their own or their partner’s bit. Some people are actually transforming them into real life vibrators, or so they hope to. Let’s discuss, shall we?
Allow me to peel back the curtains on drawings that were included in a patent for a “process for making a massage device departing from an electric toothbrush”. (Btw, ”massage device” is code-speak for “vibrator” in many engineering and marketing circles, if you didn’t already know.) Though let’s face it: no one’s using this lightweight thing to massage their back.
So back in 2003, these inventors filed some patent paperwork for a process that would transform a toothbrush into a massager vibrator. They aimed to ditch the bristles and replace it with a smooth massager head that one could presumably use to massage anywhere on one’s body. Like the clitoris, vagina, penis, scrotum, etc. Right?
I have to hand it to these inventors: although “massage device” terminology is sprinkled throughout their patent app, they also come out and say it: “In particular, the present invention relates to a process for making a massage device for sexual stimulation.” Bingo. I like them already. No hiding behind “massage” like those “full service, in-call” places.
And also, by ditching the bristles it suggests that maybe they realize that the only “bristles” one needs down there are their own (if they have hair left) or the hairs from a male partner’s chinny chin chin and cheeky cheek cheekys as he does yummy things with his tongue down there. But I digress (with pleasure). Oh, 5 o’clock shadow, let me count the ways…
So back to this “massage device”. The thing is, while it’s a great idea to Macgyver a toothbrush into a vibrator, what’s the purpose? We don’t live in the dark ages anymore. Even in 2003, when the paperwork was filed, there were at least some options on the market that were worth getting into (granted, there were no Sasi, Lelo Homme Bo or We-Vibe quality toys, but good enough products that were more powerful and sex-specific than a toothbrush).
I suppose if you were in a relationship with someone who was super closed-minded and didn’t want you to own a real vibrator with actual intense power (because I’m telling you, vibrating toothbrushes are still super low on the totem pole of awesomeness when it comes to orgasmic capacity), maybe you’d want to get down with your transformed toothbrush. But even then, wouldn’t it be easier to ditch the vibrator-hating boyfriend and pick up a new vibrator at the store and possibly a new vibrator-friendly partner in the months to come?
Speaking of which, I think men should start adding into their online dating profiles whether they are vibrator friendly or not. Some of us may want to know. They should also probably state PC or Mac for the same reason.
More drawings for your perusing pleasure:
[Process for Making a Massage Device Departing From an Electric Toothbrush via Google Patents]