Sexual Fantasies For Better Sex

bed with mosquito netting

Men often get the credit for being “visual creatures” but many women enjoy a good visual, too. Whether the sexual images you’re thinking of are porn or in your head, they can spur your imagination, trigger arousal, and create excitement for you (which, in turn, can create excitement for your partner, too). Consider these tips to explore the power of your sexual fantasies:

-       While alone, give yourself permission to lay back, relax, get in the mood, and to entertain a variety of sexual fantasies. So you’ve never tried this before? No problem. Try any of these on for size: imagine what it’s like to kiss your partner (or an ex), to take off their clothes and yours, to touch each other all over, to go down on them or them on you, or to massage each other or slide into any number of feel-good sex positions. Or imagine meeting someone on a bus, plane, train or a hotel bar – a stranger that you feel so enormously drawn to that you can’t help but to take your passion elsewhere.

-       While with a partner, allow yourself to drift off and to consider your own fantasy. There is nothing wrong with thinking about someone other than your partner while you are having sex (research suggests that man men and women do, from time to time); in fact, some women and men find it highly arousing to imagine a scenario other than the one they are in. It can even involve you and your partner having sex somewhere other than where you are or engaged in certain sex acts other than the ones you’re trying. For example, if you’re having intercourse try imagining getting on your knees and performing oral sex on them. On your back? Imagine a scenario in which you’re having hotel sex in the shower. You might even shuffle through various sexual scenes until you hit upon one that strikes your fancy.

-       Open your mind. There are numerous possible scenarios that might bring your sexual desire and arousal to ridiculously enjoyable levels. They may even be things you have never previously imagined or thought possible. Check out Do Not Disturb: Hotel Sex Stories for inspiration.

As I wrote about in Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction, with a little creativity – and some courage to explore – you may find that sexual fantasy enhances both your private or shared sexual experiences or that it helps to make orgasm easier to experience.

A wonderful thing about fantasy – aside from its ability to enhance both arousal and ease of orgasm – is that it can also help to get you excited for a night out with your partner or a weekend getaway. You can fantasize about sex during your daily commute or a mind-numbingly boring class or meeting (unless, of course, there’s the possibility you might get called on). Sexual fantasy is the ultimate cure for boring mid-day work meetings and, yes, sex that needs a little spicing up.

Learn more in Dr. Herbenick’s book, Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure & Satisfaction, and follow us on Twitter @mysexprofessor

[Originally published in my weekly sex column on CheekyChicago.]

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.

  • David D

    “You can fantasize about sex during your daily commute or a mind-numbingly boring” – This reminds me of the ‘meeting scene’ in the 2001 movie called Amy’s Orgasm where lots of crazy sex was going on in her mind. It was hot and it was refreshing to know that women can be thinking about hardcore sex during work.

    “So you’ve never tried this before?” – Sometimes, when I get to know a woman pretty well, the subject of ‘alone time’ sex can come up and it does sadden me when I realize that it is quite possible that the woman has convinced herself that sexual fantasies and alone time sex are not something that a woman should be doing. In particular, I recently had a love interest who did not work out and although I was releaved that she had at least had sex before, I was saddened because she indicated that she never explored fantasies or the pleasures of alone time. And that made me question who good of a lover she could possibly be.

  • David D

    “You can fantasize about sex during your daily commute or a mind-numbingly boring” – This reminds me of the ‘meeting scene’ in the 2001 movie called Amy’s Orgasm where lots of crazy sex was going on in her mind. It was hot and it was refreshing to know that women can be thinking about hardcore sex during work.

    “So you’ve never tried this before?” – Sometimes, when I get to know a woman pretty well, the subject of ‘alone time’ sex can come up and it does sadden me when I realize that it is quite possible that the woman has convinced herself that sexual fantasies and alone time sex are not something that a woman should be doing. In particular, I recently had a love interest who did not work out and although I was releaved that she had at least had sex before, I was saddened because she indicated that she never explored fantasies or the pleasures of alone time. And that made me question who good of a lover she could possibly be.

  • stephanieslocum

    i agree that fantasies most of the times work out for couples. but hey, they should take care to leave fantasies like that — fantasies.