Ode to the Hand Job

Inspired by a recent Jezebel post titled “Hey, You. Bring Back the Hand Job“, I recently wrote the following ode to this very fun and apparently under-experienced aspect of sex play.

Ode to the Hand Job (a poem by Debby)

There’s something about a handy
That’s really quite dandy
Is it the chance to grip?
Or that you don’t have to lick?

Not that licking’s bad per se
But it’s not the only way
To please a man or bring out his “o” face
When with one’s hand and exactly the right pace

He’ll say “Ohhh, that’s good”
As you stroke his hard wood
His eyes will glaze over, he might start to sweat
He’ll ask how you like it, you’ll claim you’re quite wet

Whether it arouses you or not doesn’t quite matter
It’s just par for the course in the way that lovers chatter
Another good aspect of giving a handy
Is that, another night, when you’re the one feeling randy

It’ll be his turn to slip his hand down your pants
And touch you and please you, putting you in a trance
It’s too bad that as couples stay together for a while
Hand jobs seem to get tossed away in a pile

Of things that happened only in the dating days
Like flowers & freshly brushed teeth & unending praise
So bring back the handjob
And not just the oral sex head bob

Mouths and vaginas and butts are fun
But so is the handy, and it gets the job done!
Next time your man is aroused before sleep
And you’re so tired, you can’t muster another peep

Ask whether he can come quickly, and whether he’d like a hand
He’ll think you’re the best partner in all of the land!
Hand jobs are good for when vaginas are sore
Plus, they’re fun and they’re quick, for when sex seems like a chore

If you like to watch semen spurt out from his bits
The hand job’s for you, he can even come on your – it’s
Surprising, I know, to think hand jobs are king
But they are, you should try them, they might make him sing

So squeeze out some lube
And grab hold of his tube
Try a hand job tonight, so he doesn’t have to do it alone in the loo.
If you help him out, he might return the favor to you.

——–

Although this poem isn’t in my book, Because It Feels Good, lots of other fun sex tips and techniques and anecdotes about penises and vulvas are indeed included, so you should definitely check it out. And to anyone who thinks that sex researchers can’t or shouldn’t have fun with their topic of study, I urge you to check out Sex and Humor: Selections from The Kinsey Institute, a beautiful (and yes, funny) volume about the way sex and humor have come together in art.

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.

  • anonymoose

    I find your diiiirty poem writing to be quite fascinating. Have you ever seen videos of Wifey of Wifey's World dot com give handjobs to her man?? She could be the ultimate handjob instructor.