MSP Sex Q&A: Why is it so hard for women to have orgasms during sex?

Question: Why is it so darn hard for me to have an orgasm during sex? Is that normal?
 
Answer: It is completely common for it to be difficult for a woman to orgasm during intercourse. In fact, it is often far easier for women to orgasm from direct clitoral stimulation, such as occurs during cunnilingus (oral sex performed on a woman), masturbation (solo or with a partner) or vibrator use.

There is no one way to experience pleasure during sex; neither is there one “standard” path to orgasm. And while most women orgasm at some point in their lives, not all do. For some women, missionary is the way they orgasm. For others, it’s oral sex while lying down. Some women find it easiest to orgasm during masturbation alone, but not with a partner. There are endless variations and no one “right” way to orgasm.
 
All that said, let’s say you want to learn to orgasm during intercourse. Please don’t take the “not all women do it” message to mean that you shouldn’t try. If you want it, go for it! Is an intercourse-based orgasm a sure-thing? No. But is it possible? Yes, yes, yes! To up your odds, try using a couples vibrating toy, like the Trojan Vibrating Touch finger massager or the Petal Ring (from Babeland.com).

The book Becoming Orgasmic is another must-have for women learning to have their first (or a new and improved) orgasm – it’s the only book I know of that has been tested and found to be as effective as sex therapy in helping women learn to orgasm. Your best bet, even with vibrator and book in hand, however, will be learning to relax into sex, communicate with your partner and take all the time in the world that you need. (Rushing is the enemy of orgasm). Give it a try and let me know if you need further tips.

If you have a question about sex or relationships, send it to me! Your confidentiality will be respected.

[Above image from this web site.]

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.

  • John

    Hi debby, I have a question that has been troubling me for quite some time. My girlfriend told me that she holds her orgasims because I’m too cold and she’s reluctant to discuss that with me. what do you think she means by that, and what could I do to change it?

  • John

    Hi debby, I have a question that has been troubling me for quite some time. My girlfriend told me that she holds her orgasims because I’m too cold and she’s reluctant to discuss that with me. what do you think she means by that, and what could I do to change it?

  • Debby

    Stay tuned – I’ll get to this one shortly on MSP!

  • Debby

    Stay tuned – I’ll get to this one shortly on MSP!