MSP Sex Q&A: How can we spice up our sex life?

Question: My girlfriend and I are both 22 but we have a pretty routine/boring sex life. How can we spice it up?

Answer: Don’t give up! There is no reason that 22 should be as good as it gets. Whenever I hear someone of any age – but especially someone in their 20s or 30s – say that their sex life has hit a stand still, I usually ask if they and they partner talk about sex during times when they’re not already having it.

Many people talk about sex in the middle of the act (e.g., “how does that feel?”) or just afterwards (e.g., “That was great sex”). However, one secret of sexually satisfied couples is that they talk about sex during totally non-sexual parts of their day, like when they’re sitting around playing on their laptops, watching television or talking on the phone.

They may say things to each other like, “You know the other night when you flicked your tongue like this?” (and yes, they demonstrate) “I loved that.” Or else they say things like “One of my friends at work was telling me about this new vibrator she tried with her boyfriend, and it made me want to try something like that with you. Would you be up for that?”

In other words, sexually satisfied couples talk about sex. They give praise. They tease. They extend saucy invitations to try new things. They may even read books about sex together, or browse web sites related to sex and then float ideas between each other in regard to new positions, new places or new techniques.

That said, the physical side of sex truly is tip of the iceberg. Where sex starts to get really interesting is when couples go deeper emotionally. When you open yourself to a partner, and make yourself feel vulnerable, everything feels different. What was once plain old missionary is now the best feeling that you can imagine. The same kissing you’ve felt every day for the past year now feels sublime and like you can’t get enough, because you are so enormously in the present moment. Sound too good to be true? I guess you won’t know until you try. Back to the drawing board – or at least to bed.  For inspiration on toys, techniques and communication, turn to The Good Vibrations Guide to Sex or The Guide to Getting It On.

If you have a question about sex or relationships, send it to me! Your confidentiality will be respected.

[Above image from this web site.]

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at

  • kildakor

    my girl and I have been together for 11 years, we are best friends,partners but the spark for sex(or drive ) for her is gone<< i need to step up my game but shes not kinky.
    how can I fix this before she goes secretly elsewhere for the sex/???????????