How to Orgasm During Sex: Using a Vibrator With a Partner

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Although some couples try to ease into women’s orgasm by choosing sex positions such as the coital alignment technique or building a woman’s arousal., others decide that they want to incorporate a vibrator into their sex play.

For reasons not fully understood, vibrators make it easier for many women to orgasm and usually in a shorter period of time than is typical. Recent research conducted by my colleagues and I at the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University found that 53% of women and nearly half of men have used a vibrator. That’s a heck of a lot of vibrator use!

For women, nearly equal numbers had used a vibrator alone as had used a vibrator with a partner. Most of men’s vibrator use was with a partner.

If you’re interested in using a vibrator with a partner to make orgasms easier to come by, make sure to choose your vibrator carefully. Smaller vibrators work better for some positions (such as missionary) in which there is likely to be little space between partner’s bodies. Other positions, such as rear entry in a table-like pose, may benefit from vibrators of more varied sizes. That said, some of the smallest vibrator models are not that powerful (think: many finger vibrators) although many bullet-style vibrators have a varied speed dial for maximum pleasure.

Once you’ve selected the vibrator that’s right for you, now what? Try holding it on or around the clitoris (some women enjoy direct clitoral stimulation whereas others prefer stimulation somewhere nearby the head of the clitoris, which is the part of the clitoris that’s visible from the outside). If you’re not sure where on or around the clitoris will feel best, explore! The night is long and there’s no hurry.

Many men find that they enjoy a little vibration, too, so don’t be afraid to share the vibration assuming you are both free of sexually transmissible infections (STI) and/or aware of and comfortable with each other’s STI status.

Some couples find that using a water or silicone based lubricant with the vibrator can make sex play more comfortable. If the vibrator is made of silicone material, make sure to choose water based lubricant rather than a silicone based lubricant, as silicone lubricants are not compatible with silicone toys.

Finally, have fun! Although you may initially think of yourselves as trying to aim for orgasm, I’d like to encourage you to consider your vibrator use as sex play rather than as “work”. Often when people become very goal-oriented about sex such as trying to hard to have an orgasm, sex can feel like more of a chore and less of a joy. To the extent that you can, try to consider ways that you can keep the pleasure and enjoyment in your sexual sharing so that you can build the kind of intimacy that will bring you a sense of richness and connection.

Related MSP Posts:
- Flip phones are out, flip sex toys are in?
- Masturbation sleeves: more cushion for your pushin’
- Sex toy recycling

[Originally published in my weekly sex column at Cheeky Chicago.]

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.

  • http://theworldasiseeit.deviantart.com/ David

    ‘The night is long and there’s no hurry.’ That made me laugh. Very poetic.

    I think that all of these writings about having super variety in sex toys is amusing. I know a woman who will ONLY use the Acuvibe that she first bought at a Walmart. Then when it broke, she bought the next Acuvibe at Brookstone in the mall. She tried a few other toys, but said they were too weak and pathetic. She knows what rocks her world and she sticks with it.

    The fact that she bought vibrators at conventional stores, reminds me of the Sex in the City when Samantha brought her ‘personal massager’ back to Electric Eye and said to the salesman, “My vibrator broke”. He claimed that they didn’t sell vibrators. They went back and forth on this but he finally agreed to replace it. Then she started giving advice to other women in the stores who were shopping for ‘personal massagers’.

  • http://theworldasiseeit.deviantart.com David

    ‘The night is long and there’s no hurry.’ That made me laugh. Very poetic.

    I think that all of these writings about having super variety in sex toys is amusing. I know a woman who will ONLY use the Acuvibe that she first bought at a Walmart. Then when it broke, she bought the next Acuvibe at Brookstone in the mall. She tried a few other toys, but said they were too weak and pathetic. She knows what rocks her world and she sticks with it.

    The fact that she bought vibrators at conventional stores, reminds me of the Sex in the City when Samantha brought her ‘personal massager’ back to Electric Eye and said to the salesman, “My vibrator broke”. He claimed that they didn’t sell vibrators. They went back and forth on this but he finally agreed to replace it. Then she started giving advice to other women in the stores who were shopping for ‘personal massagers’.

  • cutygirl

    Wow.. very informative write-ups.. I read the CAT position and I think it’s effective for me because it’s hard for me to experience orgasmic reaction. I have to teach my partner how he can make me cum.. Thanks fo the info. Love it so much!..

  • cutygirl

    Wow.. very informative write-ups.. I read the CAT position and I think it’s effective for me because it’s hard for me to experience orgasmic reaction. I have to teach my partner how he can make me cum.. Thanks fo the info. Love it so much!..

  • http://www.SlumberPartiesbyLuann.com/ Luann

    That episode of Sex in the City speaks the truth, women don’t want to go into the kind of places that sell vibrators, women feel more comfortable when it is more main stream. That is why the home party is becoming so popular among women. Women can buy products in the safety, comfort and privacy of their own or a friends home.

  • http://www.SlumberPartiesbyLuann.com Luann

    That episode of Sex in the City speaks the truth, women don’t want to go into the kind of places that sell vibrators, women feel more comfortable when it is more main stream. That is why the home party is becoming so popular among women. Women can buy products in the safety, comfort and privacy of their own or a friends home.

  • http://www.sextoyssexmovies.com/ Jane

    Great tips for using a vibe during sex, my tip is that men can get a bullet vibe for cockrings and wear them on their penis during intercourse.

  • http://www.sextoyssexmovies.com Jane

    Great tips for using a vibe during sex, my tip is that men can get a bullet vibe for cockrings and wear them on their penis during intercourse.

  • http://yoursextoys.co.uk/sextoys/ SexToysBlog

    Vibrating cock rings also work wonders for me :) Great post some really good advice enjoyed the bit about sex play. Love the CAT position and toys yeah boy…