How to Orgasm During Sex: Building Sexual Arousal

how to orgasm during sex

Women who are interested in learning to orgasm, or to enhance their current experience of orgasm, may find it helpful to learn about the role of arousal. Orgasm doesn’t exist in a vacuum, of course; it happens as a result of a build-up of sexual excitement and arousal. The more things heat up, the better chance you’ve got.

Generally, what happens is this: thanks to a combination of physical and mental arousal, a woman becomes highly aroused/excited and may or may not orgasm. We don’t fully understand what triggers orgasm in women though it appears that multiple nerve pathways may lead to orgasm.

What we do know is that heightened arousal can make it easier to orgasm. Strong arousal can also make it easier to have multiple orgasms in a row. Here’s how. When a woman becomes sexually aroused, blood flow increases to her genitals. Her clitoris engorges which can feel very good and can also make the inside and outside parts of the clitoris feel extra sensitive to stimulation. Sexual arousal also stimulates the production of vaginal lubrication. Some women find it very erotic and sensual to notice that they are feeling “wet” or aroused. Others appreciate the feelings of warmth or tingles that come with feeling aroused.

Rather than jumping into sex very quickly, consider holding off on the penetration part until you are feeling highly aroused. Women who wait and wait and wait – and yes, make their partner wait – to begin vaginal penetration until they are very aroused (almost to the point of feeling as though they will burst if they don’t have their partner’s penis, fingers or a sex toy inside their vagina) sometimes say that they then find it easier to orgasm one or multiple times. Not bad for a little waiting!

Use your wait time wisely, though. This isn’t a time for Twitter or Mad Men. It’s a time for kissing, cuddling, stroking, caressing (yes, even if you feel uncomfortable with the word, get comfortable with the action), touching, licking, grinding and moving around each other’s bodies in ways that make you want each other badly. This is a time for building the heat that will ultimately ease your orgasm. To learn more about foreplay tips, check out my new book Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction.

Related MSP Posts:
- Using sexual fantasies to increase desire
- Why touch and cuddling are important to sexual satisfaction
- Multiple orgasms for women and men

[Originally published in my weekly column at Cheeky Chicago.]

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.

  • vane

    i hope this really works im really hard to get an orgasm, my husband has been working on it, i did it once gisseled on his chest but ever since i have not been able to do it again and when i dont cum it hurts then i try the vibrator and it still hasnt worked is there something wrong with me? also i dont have any feelings in my nipples what can i do? sometimes i also dont feel the penetration is that normal?

  • vane

    i hope this really works im really hard to get an orgasm, my husband has been working on it, i did it once gisseled on his chest but ever since i have not been able to do it again and when i dont cum it hurts then i try the vibrator and it still hasnt worked is there something wrong with me? also i dont have any feelings in my nipples what can i do? sometimes i also dont feel the penetration is that normal?