Have Better Sex by Taking Chances

As women and men who want to have better sex lives, we could learn a lot from Spring. In early spring, crocuses and daffodils are among the first flowers to poke their way through the earth, risking being bitten by frost or an out-of-nowhere March or April snowstorm. Sure, they could wait until it’s safe and warm and cozy in the world until they start to bloom: but they never do. They risk it anyway.

For all the talk about “reducing risks” in sex, it’s important that we take some risks sometimes if we want to have the pleasurable, connecting, intimate sex lives that we claim to crave.

Of course, a risk can be scary. It can make people feel vulnerable and alone to put themselves out there. But if your partner reacts in a positive way, or you decide that however they react you are going to be proud of yourself for putting yourself out there, then you’ve won! And that can feel amazing.

Consider the following risks and whether they might re-awaken your sex life:

  • Ask you partner to touch you the way you touch yourself. Tell your partner what you do when you’re alone or, better yet, show your partner how you touch yourself when you’re alone, whether this is by demonstration or by taking his or her hand or doing whatever it is you do.
  • Make your move. So there’s someone you’ve had your eye on but you haven’t had the courage to introduce yourself or get something going. What’s stopping you? Spring is a great time to start something new, what with all the warm weather dates and festivals you have ahead of you.
  • Share one fantasy – preferably one that you’ve wanted to share but have been afraid to. Perhaps it’s something you want to try in waking life. Or maybe it’s something exotic and crazy hot that spikes your arousal way up to think about, but that you never want or plan to do (which is fine, too – fantasies are cool that way). Some couples find it adds to their sex life to be able to talk about some of their fantasies and why they like what they like.
  • Put yourself out there. Maybe your work life isn’t conducive to meeting potential dates. And your friends? They’re all taken. Go to Cheeky events and meet new girlfriends who can widen your social circle and introduce you to their friends. Sign up for Match.com or ask your friends to introduce you to the cute guy or girl who shows up in some of their Facebook photos. See someone cute in line for coffee? Make eye contact. Smile. Strike up a conversation and flirt your way into exchanging phone numbers or Twitter names.

This is your time – right now. What are you waiting for? Find love, create lust, spark your (or your partner’s) desire.  Go big in the most exciting of ways and see how it feels to focus on sex, love, liking, intimacy, dating, meeting new people, or your arousal for a change. You only live once. Seriously, get the cliché out of your mind for a minute and think: you do only live once. Time to jump into life!

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a sex researcher and educator, a widely read sex columnist and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Follow her on Twitter @mysexprofessor.

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.