Expand Your Perspective on Sex

Yesterday, we talked about the importance of sensuality as part of the spring awakening of your sex life. Today? It’s all about perspective – on your partner, that is. (And, yes, whether or not you have a partner at the moment, this is relative to you.)

Often times, we get so stuck in our routines that we forget to notice what’s new and how we or our partners are changing. We also graze over the honeymoon period and get to a place where we think we know everything about our partner, inside and outside of the bedroom.

Even if you are not in a relationship at the moment, pay attention as you will likely be in one soon enough and find yourself needing to see your partner in a new light. If you are in a relationship at the moment, consider how any of the following might change your perspective on your partner and end up making sex fresh, new, exciting, or more loving:

-       Becoming curious about your partner. Ask him or her things you haven’t in a long time. When they say that their day was fine, ask what made it all right. What sucked? What was fun? Who do they get along with at work? What do they like or hate about their commute or their friends? If they talk with you about their family, follow up with questions that help you to learn more about them. So much about sex is a feeling of intimacy and connection and while you don’t want to go overboard and ask a gabillion annoying questions, you do want to become curious (which can also help them feel interesting and appreciated).

-       Notice what your partner does right. Often when we’re together for a while, we stop noticing all the sweet little things that our partner does for us and we start noticing the things they do “wrong” or that disappoint us. Each day this week, try to focus on what they do right and what makes you feel liked, loved, appreciated, or wanted. Remind yourself of this every single day. Research suggests that when we focus on the positive and what we feel grateful for in our romantic relationships that we can feel  more satisfied and happy with our partner.

-       Explore their body in a new way. So he or she likes that little thing you do with your tongue? Great! But don’t rely on it lest you become a one-trick pony. Suggest that you explore each other’s bodies up and down and all around. After all, your bodies and minds may have changed in ways you didn’t even realize and now, if you try a certain thing with your fingers or your nose (yes, your nose) or your lips – or if you try a certain rhythm – you may just find that he or she likes something that they used to frown on. Or maybe you’re game for something you used to think was strange.

A great part of being together is that you get to start over at any time. Even if your sex life or your love life has been kind of bland, you can make it new and exciting again. You can try new things. You can gaze at someone with love. You can learn to orgasm or try touching in a way that feels pleasurable to you both. Enjoy!

Debby Herbenick, PhD is a sex researcher and educator, a widely read sex columnist and author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman’s Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Follow her on Twitter @mysexprofessor.

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.