How Apple’s Upgrades Help, Hurt or Do Nothing For Your Sex Life

Thanks to today’s Apple event – and Gizmodo’s liveblog of it – we now know about what’s to come (well, some are here right this very second; others are being shipped) in regard to iTunes, the Nano and the iPod Touch. We also know a bit about their shortcomings. And as always, quite a few of these product updates are highly relevant to your sex life. Let’s take a look at some of the highlights (and lowlights), shall we?

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1. Genius app suggestions. The above screenshot is from Gizmodo’s liveblog of today’s Apple event. Looking at my iPhone, I can’t help but wonder what the app genius would suggest if only more sex apps existed. For example, my apps consist of things like MyPleasure’s vibrating app, the Weather Channel, AP Mobile News Network, OpenTable and CameraBag. Since it can’t really suggest any more decent sex toy/vibrating apps (if only), what would it make of my current selection? Imagine if the genius could suggest an app that would help me to identify (and make a reservation at) a restaurant that has an aphrodisiac-themed menu that happens to be next to a quality sex toy store and just down the block from a hotel that has mood lighting nice enough to take sex photos/video as cool as that in CameraBag (preferably Helga or Magazine; Fisheye could make some parts terribly creepy or distorted looking). Is this in the cards, dear Mr. Jobs and/or innovative app developers? Please say yes, yes, yes.

2. Media Sharing in iTunes. Giz also reported that Apple will be facilitating home media sharing in iTunes - essentially that you can select and then drag other people’s songs to your library (assuming they are open to you on the network, of course). Pretty decent. However, I wish it could be extended through the internet. Like, if I’m on iChat with someone who has better music than me, I would like to select their songs from their library and drag them through the computer rather than asking for them to send me songs. After all, you often already share music with people you live with so that’s only so novel. And there’s no use in having lots of casual sex partners come over to your house with their laptops just so you can get free music (especially when it could open you up to an STI, the other kind of “virus” to avoid if possible). So this one gets a “so-so” for me in the sex department. For now, it’s unlikely to make most people’s sex lives any better. Blah.

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3. Insertion. That’s what I’m calling it anyway. Also during the liveblog, Giz reported that you can insert your own face into the wanted posters in a game. How close are we to replacing porn figures faces with our own faces in said “games”? And showing what we want or hope our partner to do to us? Or what we want to do to/with them? This one has a lot of potential for excitement and foreplay (but also harm if people make it look like you’ve done something you’ve never actually done). Mixed on this one for now.

4a. Video. Then there are the changes to the iPod Nano – like, (video) camera, FM radio and microphone types of changes. (Can we say spontaneous erections please?). Although I take my iPhone with me a lot of places, such as when I bike far from home or go on long walks, I never take it running with me. I do take my Nano, however. And yet sometimes I stumble upon the most beautiful sunset, flower, deer, or tree in a certain light and I wish I had a camera with me. Even if it’s just a so-so video camera (though actually, the examples I’ve seen of its video capabilities are pretty decent). I am thus excited about this feature for both non-sex and sex reasons. It’s been a while since I’ve upgraded my Nano but this one may be the motivation I needed. In terms of sex, it’s small enough so you can fit the Nano in between your bodies to take video of actual penetration, like if you want to video tape your sex but don’t want to get either of your faces in the frame (like, if you’re planning to run for public office or worried that your kids will accidentally stumble across it). Also, it comes with video effects including grainy film in case you’d like to mask any blemishes on your naked selves. This is also useful if you would otherwise use your iPhone 3GSex for video capabilities but don’t want to risk getting it wet with sexual fluids. Enter the Nano instead. Oh, and can I add?…

4b. Video sharing. The new iPod nano will have video sharing capabilities which will allow people to more subtly take sex video of themselves and share with potential partners. That will hopefully avoid the horribly awkward appearance of some iPhone photos in people’s sex photos. No longer! Now people can use their Nanos to take video without the large iPhone getting in the way (of video or screen shotted video) AND they can share it with interested parties. This will be way better for people’s sex lives and masturbation B-roll.

4c. Pedometer = Thrust Counter? The new Nano now has a built-in pedometer. Now, I don’t know if this is possible. I haven’t seen the new Nano nor have I touched it. However, I do wonder how it might get put to use in the bedroom. Could it be worn in such a way as to serve as a thrust counter? Quite a lot of pedometers depend on brisk motion (not necessarily of footsteps) and I wonder what would happen if one person held it while the other one thrust. Or if the woman held it on top while she bounced up and down. This is a complete unknown, so I can’t say yay or nay but I will say hmmmmm.

5. No Camera on the Touch. While video on the Nano is a nice change, it’s a bit unclear why they haven’t added a camera to the iPod Touch yet (see various theories here). This is a drawback for people who don’t use an iPhone but do use the Touch and who maybe want to snap a few photos during sex. Steve Jobs’ explains more of his thoughts about the Touch (and why no camera) on the NY Times blog.

6. Steve Jobs’ jeans. Let’s face it. He needs to upgrade his clothes and not just Apple products. Except if he keeps wearing these jeans, it may amp up your sex life because by comparison you may think your partner looks pretty darn good in his or her jeans (and yes, I realize he is quite thin due to health issues and thus this is not PC to say, but it is true). If there were an iJeans Genius it would suggest he find a new look. In the mean time, it seems he’s doing his best to gain some weight back by eating lots of yummy, yummy ice cream. Good for him.

About Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick

Dr. Debby Herbenick is a sex researcher at Indiana University, sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, columnist, and author of five books about sex and love. Learn more about her work at www.sexualhealth.indiana.edu.